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Crusader's Funny Page
What follows is a collection of sporting funnies to help you wile away the hours at work. If you would like to make any contributions forward them via the feedback page.
Thanks go out to David Coleman and his fellow commentators for their contributions. Click below to see the relevant sections.
Johnson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson are
standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says "Before granting you a place at my side, I must
first ask you what you believe in".
Addressing Johnson first, he asks "what do you believe?"
Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately "I believe Rugby to be
the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people,
from the grim North to the lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to
bringing this joy to as many people as I can".
God looks up and offers Johnno the seat to his left.
He then turns to Dallaglio and says "and you, Lawrence. What do you believe
in?" Lol stands tall and proud, and says "I believe courage, honour and
passion are the fundamentals to life and I have spent my whole playing career
providing a living embodiment of these traits".
God is moved by the passion of the speech and offers Dallaglio the seat to his
right.
Then finally he turns to Wilkinson.
"And you, Jonny? What about you?" "I believe ...." says Wilkinson "....
you're sitting in my seat".
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own:
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving Number Eight Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over thirty five) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
Pearly Gates
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the
gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and
had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a
situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be
allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in
Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a
break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards,
before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But
Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly
the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the
try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book,"
said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said:
"Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all
this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago.
Funeral
A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against Ireland in Dublin.
In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind."I got the
ticket for my wife," replied the fan.
"But why isn't she here?"
"I'm afraid she died in an accident."
"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.
"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."
"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.
"They've all gone to the funeral.
Rugby Players
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Ancient Anecdotes...
My wife, God bless her, never really appreciated me playing the REALLY
beautiful game. Mind you, she never did work out that when I phoned her from
the clubhouse at about 6 o'clock to tell her I was just going to have a few
beers before I came home, I'd already been in the bar from about 4.30!
My wife's run off with an old rugby colleague of mine. I really miss him!
Sports commentators can get carried away sometimes.... David Coleman, seems to get carried away more than most - here are some of his best moments.
That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.
Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal.
For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2.
This is a truly international field, no Britons involved.
Both of the Villa scorers - Withe and Mortimer - were born in Liverpool as was the Villa manager Ron Saunders who was born in Birkenhead.
He's 31 this year - last year he was 30.
He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics so he's used to being out in front.
We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind.
Linford Christie's got a habit of pulling it out when it matters most.
The late start is due to the time.
He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.
He's even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
This could be a repeat of what will happen in the European games next week.
It's a battle with himself and with the ticking fingers of the clock.
Here are some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future.
In the Moscow Olympics Lasse Viren came in fifth and ran a champions race.
He just can't believe what's not happening to him.
One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
There'll be only one winner now - in every sense.
He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before that in 62.
The big Cuban opened his legs and showed his class.
(At the velodrome) The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel.
Here are some of the foolish things that various FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS have uttered, and later wished they hadn't.....
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold." (JIMMY HILL)
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up." (BRIAN MOORE)
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." (TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." (ALAN BALL)
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee." (MIKE INGHAM)
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there." (RON ATKINSON)
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." (RON ATKINSON)
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." (JOHN GREIG)
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years." (MARTIN HODGE)
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet." (JAMES SANDERSON)
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame." (RON GREENWOOD)
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head." (DEREK RAE)
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side." (MIKE INGHAM)
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him." (BOBBY ROBSON)
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide." (ALAN PARRY)
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." (JOHN MOTSON)
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." (TREVOR BROOKING)
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." (MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun." (BOBBY CHARLTON)
You have got to miss them to score sometimes." (DAVE BASSETT)
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." (TOM FERRIE)
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave." (JOHN HOLLINS)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." (DAVE BASSETT)
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road." (ALAN GREEN)
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." (PETER JONES)
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on." (KEVIN KEEGAN)
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." (JIMMY HILL)
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." (RICHARD PARK)
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." (TREVOR BROOKING)
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record." (SPORTS ROUNDUP)
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale." (JOHN LYALL)
"In comparison, there's no comparison." (RON GREENWOOD)
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was." (RON ATKINSON)
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." (CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?" (STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." (RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." (ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1)
"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..." (Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." (DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." (PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals." (ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...." (SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio)
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..." (PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special)
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." (ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports)
"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." (STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live)
"They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them." (BRIAN MOORE, ITV)
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." (TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold)
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." (ALEX FERGUSON)
"He [Brian Laudrup] wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well." (TREVOR STEVEN, STV)
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." (Radio 5 Live)
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals." (TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day)
"...an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side." (GARY LINEKER, BBC)
"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots." (RON JONES, Radio 5 Live)
"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal." (BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live)
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..." (KEVIN KEEGAN)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." (NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." (KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live)
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." (BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)
"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway." (JOHN MOTSON, BBC)
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..." (IAN DARKE, Radio 5)
"I never make predictions and I never will." (PAUL GASCOIGNE)
And from other sporting figures:
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious" (ALAN MINTER)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." (NEW ZEALAND RUGBY COMMENTATOR)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (TED WALSH - HORSERACING)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (MURRAY WALKER)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (GREG NORMAN)
" Ah. isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." (HARRY CARPENTER - BOAT RACE)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (PAT GLENN - WEIGHTLIFTING)
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God!! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA COMMENTATOR)
TRUE STORY: A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn't, turned to the weather man and asked, "So Bob, where's the eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were all laughing so hard!
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